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How to handle telemarketers

After a long and painful day, my work phone receives a call from an unfamiliar 818 area code number at 8 PM tonight from a woman with a heavy Filipino accent.

Operator: “Hello, this is Fiona from Global Tech calling regarding Google Listings for Hubnest”
Me: “Hello. How can I help you?”
Fiona: “This is regarding Google listings opportunity for Hubnest. Is this the business owner? Er..Ed… Erin Lee?”
Me: “…. No, this is his assistant – Sam. Sam Jackson”
Fiona: “Hi Sam, may I speak to Erwin about Google, Yahoo, and Bing listings”
Me: “As Mr. Lee’s assistant, part of my duties such as doing his laundry, scrubbing his floors, and being his driver includes me screening all of his calls. Tell me why you’re calling and perhaps I can pass you along”
Fiona: “Well I can only speak to Erwin about the details. It’s about Google, Yahoo, and Bing listings”
Me: “The only way you can speak to Mr. Lee is if you share those details or know the telephone password. Do you know the telephone password?”
Fiona: “No I don’t know the password. I have a Google Listing opportunity to have Hubnest on the first page but I can only speak to Erwin about it”
Me: “ok but take a stab at the password. The hint is Snakes on a……. “
Fiona: “Can I just speak to Erwin”
Me: “The password was Snakes on a Plane. Now you know for next time.”
Me: “Mr. Lee doesn’t take calls. He’s a shot caller. Baller.” 

This, boys and girls, is how you handle telemarketers.

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