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If You Wait By The River Long Enough

A surreal time — Racial inequality is world news. Political figures’ actions in every country are held accountable. Friends weeping from losing their jobs. The poor are fearing eviction. Most people regardless of your status, wealth, or skills are truly understanding how it feels to be powerless.

I am not void of the impacts of Covid. As mentioned in a previous post, my family has been affected by the virus directly, and as they feel the struggle and headaches, I adopt those feelings. In July, two of my startup investments: Start with Canna and Wednesday Education Program were showing declining revenue. The two teams came up with proposal plans to extend their run rate and I had my part to play in the plan. Around the execution time, my father had his third heart attack. Concerned for my father’s health and mental state, I dropped everything and became a full-time home care person. Forfeiting myself from any work. 

Finally having a moment to process the last few months, I find myself referring to a book by Brian Christian, ‘Algorithms To Live By’. A book that talks about how insights from computer science can be applied to real-life problems.

I have never believed in ‘no action’ situations, I devise logical solutions and if one doesn’t exist, I’ll fall back on an emotional response. When the logical rule-based world doesn’t give me anything, I will come up with a creative emotional solution. It’s “creative” because sometimes the solutions do not make sense but feel right. something as random as flipping a coin to make a decision is emotional decision making. When I hit a powerless situation, it’s the emotional side of me that step in and says, ‘fuck it! The logic is not working but I’m doing something!’. The biggest take-away from Brian Christian’s book is that sometimes randomness is better than any logical algorithm you can come up with when it comes to tackling complex ‘unsolvable’ problems. Because strict logic can be dispassionate and cold. 

My choices are now finally hitting me. Weighing on me. The emotional response choice I made three months ago in dropping everything is now going to cost me financially and the past year and a half they took to build. My father’s health still remains unknown. You’re thinking ‘hey at least you got to spend more time with your father’ and it’s time to make another decision. But no, only a lesson remains here. 

This is the moment I feel the massive tidal wave coming towards me casting a giant shadow as I stand there powerless. I recognize what is coming. Will it hurt and suck? Yes. Do I regret my decision? No. Will I look back and reanalyze of a more logical action? No. I won’t protest. As my father often says after a bad result or experience from the choices you make — 认命 (acceptance) and have patience.

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